Are you and your spouse having the same fight over and over with no change? The good news is that you can break the habit and have a much happier marriage.
Repeating the same fight over and over again is demoralizing. If your time together is infected by endless reruns of the same argument, then eventually the emotion you associate most with your marriage is not love, affection or joy, but resentment. Before too long, you will start avoiding each others company out of exasperation about getting sucked into the same endless cycle of argument. Like so many quick fixes, this only makes the problem worse. The longer you avoid each other, the more certain it is that your resentments will erupt when you do spend time together.
If this is where you are, then ask yourself a simple question: what is more important, being right or being happy? It should be an easy question to answer, but all too often it isn’t. By bickering endlessly you are not just ruining your partner’s life, you are corroding your own happiness. Study after study shows that a good relationship is the single greatest determiner of life happiness. It’s a tragedy when what should be our greatest source of support makes us miserable.
How to Stop Having The Same Fight Over and Over
In my practice, I work with many different types of couples who want to break free from an endless cycle of fights. The one quality they absolutely need to have is patience. In some areas of our life we can legitimately expect a quick fix. The flat tire can be patched. The drain cleared. In other areas, fixing problems takes more thought and effort. Breaking free from a cycle of repeating the same fight over and over is one of those areas that takes energy to solve. The rewards, however, last a lifetime.
In our professional or business lives, the urge to win is often key to success. The competitive urge, the desire to come out on top, is key to success in many endeavors. However, it’s not at all a key to success in love. Instead of “winning” by coming out on top, therapy works by helping you find solutions to resolve the issues. A key step is learning to defuse the triggers that start fights in the first place.
Learn How to Get Your Relationship Unstuck
If you are in a place where you are ready to say “I can’t do this anymore”, that’s okay. It may very well be that you can’t today. The effort of bickering is exhausting. Animosity is so destructive of desire that you may just not have the energy. However, through counseling, you can learn how to short-circuit the triggers that take you down this path. You’ll learn techniques that will help you and your partner enormously.
When you have a recurring issue, the “communications climate” at home deteriorates, aggravating all the interactions that you have. And, just as bad, it gets in the way of the rewards that we all want from relationships. Love, warmth, support, empathy — they are all shunted aside when fights recur and recur
Help is Available
Dr. Dahlia Mann has a doctorate in clinical psychology and is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (MFT) in Portland Maine, and New Jersey. She also offers online therapy. Through therapy with Dr. Mann, you can learn how to share your feelings more effectively, and how to listen to each other. You will be able to enjoy each other with infecting the present moment with old hurts. Call today, or fill out the contact form and click Send.